Part of my 11-day course “Mindfulness Made Easy”
Very often, we are our own worst critics. We become adept at storing up criticism we have heard from other people, whether in real life or through the media we consume. It doesn’t matter whether these judgements were directed at us personally, or whether they were general comments about a class of people to which we feel we belong,. Either way, we store them all up for ammunition against us. For instance, if someone laughs at our clothes, we may forever feel self-conscious about wearing them again, because the comments will always sting when we take them out of our wardrobe. Conversely, someone may make a disparaging comment about people who like a particular movie, not knowing that you are in fact a big fan. This too may feel like an arrow to your side, and a wound that will keep hurting every time you think about the movie.
Whatever the criticism, whatever the judgement, we have in our minds a huge library of rules and standards to which we think ought to apply to us. We may have received these rules from our loved ones or from collogues or just society in general. And that little nagging voice might constantly remind us when we feel we have fallen foul of them.
“I’m so clumsy,” “I’m a failure,” “I’m ugly,” “I’m so unorganised,” “I’m can’t get my life in order,” “I’m a terrible parent, “what’s wrong with me?” Whatever the judgement, it can chip away at our self-esteem. We may feel low and depressed, even if in reality most people we know think of us highly.
Mindfulness can help us restore a little balance by helping to silence the negative judgements that swirl around our heads. We need to foster some self-compassion. Be kind to yourself. We can often be quick to offer other people kindness and compassion well before offering it to ourselves. Being aware of this double standard is the first step to being kind towards yourself.
Your internal critic
If you find your thoughts becoming over-critical, you can try the following steps to break the cycle:
Recognise the critical thoughts as they occur. Often we allow our internal dialogue to prattle on without interruption or examination, assuming that since they are our thoughts, they must represent our true opinions or objective truth. This is not the case. If you notice that you are becoming over-critical, either internally or externally, interrupt it with a long deep breath, and calmly describe it for what it is. If you like, you can verbalise this by thinking: “I am experiencing self-critical thoughts.”
This is a non-judgemental way of describing what is occurring. Doing this might feel a little silly at first, but using this technique allows you to step back from what you are experiencing, not only in the external moment, but from your internal “moment” as well. It helps you to experience and describe your internal thoughts as they unfold, from a safe and objective distance.
Crucially, by saying “I am experiencing self-critical thoughts,” you are revealing them for what they are: just thoughts. The thoughts you have are not necessarily true or accurate, and they are not necessarily a part of ‘you’. In other words, you don’t need to embrace them within the fold of your identity and subscribe to them. In many cases, these types of thoughts are simply knee-jerk reactions, reflexes you have picked up from negative social cues and feedback you have received over the years. And we know that knee-jerk responses are seldom considered or correct.
Over the course of the day, our subconscious mind churns up an unending stream of internal dialogue, from the profound to the ridiculous. The conscious side of our personality then gets to filter through this detritus and decide what’s relevant, truthful, useful or pertinent to our world-view. A mindful person then gets to discern what’s safe to ignore. Sometimes listening to our internal dialogue prattle on is like having to listen to talk-radio fifteen hours a day. Part of mindfulness is learning how to quieten this voice. And to do this, we first must learn to accept that not everything it says is worth listening to or acting upon.
The best-laid plans…
The next thing you might like to try, is to remember that the best-laid plans don’t often unfold the way we intend. It is an unavoidable consequence of living in a chaotic and unpredictable world. It is also a consequence of being a fallible human being. Perhaps we drop a bottle of milk on the floor and exclaim: “stupid idiot!”, for causing us to delay our intended course of action. Or perhaps we lose our cool and make a bad decision in the heat of the moment, taking our plan off track. Whatever the particulars, we must remind ourselves that plans are simply mental constructs—they don’t always tally with reality, but they are the best tool we have for laying down a set of intentions.
We have to make plans in life, but we must always remember that this doesn’t mean that events are within our control. Be kind to yourself if things don’t work out. Whether you are having a bad day or a bad year, all you can do is keep trying.
Plans are simply our way of setting a course through a chaotic world. Learning how to be philosophical when we are required to adapt that course, is the key to flexibility and general happiness.
Try saying to yourself: “It’s okay. I can’t foresee or control everything. My plan got me this far, now I simply need to set a new course.”
Comparing ourselves to others
When being mindful, when breathing calmly through a stressful situation, step back and tell yourself “It’s okay. You’re coping with a difficult situation. You’re not superhuman.”
We often measure ourselves against successful people, famous people, or the projections of how we imagine popular/happy/successful people we know are actually like. But it’s important to recognise that all these are the outward impressions that people project into the world. They do not ever reflect the whole situation.
You might measure yourself against someone who is more wealthy than you and thus feel inadequate. But you might not be privy to their private life, which might actually not be as happy and perfect as you imagine. You might read about people who are at the top of their field and wonder how they made it there, but it’s easy to forget that these people have often sacrificed a great deal in life—friends, or starting a family, or a settled home life, or other interests and pursuits outside of work—things that you may value in your own life, and view as too high a price for such successes.
Better to refrain from drawing comparisons, whether that’s by putting others upon pedestals or judging yourself harshly if you fail to measure up to that impossible standard. Next time you hear yourself chipping away at your self-esteem, follow it up with some compassionate encouragement.
“You really are trying hard. You should feel proud for not giving up. Remember to see all the good things about you. This setback isn’t a reflection on your self-worth.”
Very often we unconsciously connect failure and setbacks to our ego. I don’t mean that we are egotistical in the colloquial sense, rather when things go wrong in life, large or small, we see it as a reflection on ourselves, and thus feel badly. We can experience strong, distressing emotions.
For instance, two piano students are learning their instrument. When one person plays a wrong note, they berate themselves and cry out in frustration “Idiot!” or “what a stupid mistake,” or “I’m a rubbish pianist.” They may feel self-conscious, ashamed and embarrassed in front of their their teacher or family.
The second student plays a wrong note and says, curiously “Hmm. Something didn’t sound right there. Let’s try that again.”
The first person sees their mistake as a statement about themselves as a human being, reinforcing all the negative beliefs they may have about themselves. Whereas the second person has disassociated mistakes from self-esteem. They know that making mistakes is part of learning, and that this is the process that needs to happen in order to progress at the instrument.
They treat the mistake in a non-judgemental way. They have disconnected any negative emotions with the mistake. In fact, stepping back and using a more mindful perspective, they can see the mistake as an interesting puzzle to solve. “What went wrong there? How can we fix it? How can I improve?” They see it as a fun part of the process, and an opportunity to learn.
As a result, student two will more likely make quicker progress than student one. If both students know one another, then it’s likely that student one may see their lack of progress as confirmation of their earlier negative thoughts: “I knew I was a rubbish pianist. I’m rubbish at everything! I should just give up.”
The reality is that with a more mindful approach, and by disassociating distressing emotions and negative criticism from life’s setbacks, we can approach life in a completely different way.
Being mindful when it comes to our actions and roles depends on us being in the moment. We can spot a mistake, and experience it happening. We can ask ourselves how to move forward and correct our course, but a mindful person will not then treat this mishap as an excuse to draw comparisons with others, or to place this current event into a larger narrative of self-criticism. That certainly isn’t living in the moment!
The path of productive, mindful learning is one that is full of interest and opportunities and chances to learn, without the baggage of negative judgement.
Embracing impermanence
The goatherd watches from the hilltops as the sun bathes the world in gold. For these brief moments, all is tranquil, bar the distant rooks searching at evening’s cusp, for somewhere to roost. And then the sun has sunk beneath the horizon, and all too swiftly, darkness comes.
Everything in life is impermanent. When we are younger, time takes on a different quality. It can seem like an endless supply. It can drag, in times of boredom, or stretch out into endless summers, but as we age, time takes on a different character. At some point we become too busy to experience the passage of time in quite the same way. We see time in terms of weeks. The rhythmical ticking of our daily routine.
Planning into the future with our calendars we can see what’s coming up, and somehow, this higher perspective encourages the weeks to fly past, rolling into one. And then it’s suddenly New Year again and we wonder what happened. Regularity kills the passage of time. Our memories conflate our days at the office, or the time spent in supermarkets. We can’t separate the memories out into individual experiences.
Time can be like a candle where the wax is thick and generous at the top but tapers to a point as it moves downward towards the bottom, burning ever faster with each passing year. Very often, the awareness of this can cause distress as we continue through adulthood.
I can feel wistful that my girls are growing up so fast. Or I see relationships, friendships, associations change and evolve, or melt away as circumstances change, and feel emotional, especially if people I love move on to pastures new. When we are younger, new friends are to be found everywhere, when we get older, we see that they are more precious than we may once have thought.
Whatever our perception of time, accepting the impermanence of everything, good or bad, is a healthy mindful technique to practice. It can help us weather the difficulties and emotions we may have to deal with. There is a saying, that was inscribed upon the ring of King Ozymandias, that would make him rejoice in times of distress, and weep in times of joy.
It read: “This too, shall pass.”
It is a profound saying, the very definition of bittersweet. Grappling with this one concept and learning to gain acceptance, is one of the most important things we can do. You may sometimes come across people who have experienced happiness in life only for it to slip away, and by not being able to accept the impermanence of life, they have clung onto the past and become bitter and resentful.
When we are going though hard times, or painful times, or stressful times, it can give us solace to know that the suffering won’t last forever. That situations change. When we are on a high, it can be sobering to think that our fortunes will not persist. We are riding upon a Ferris wheel, perpetually experiencing the highs and lows. Indeed, change is one of the only constants in our lives.
Mindfulness helps us not only to live in the moment and experience time as we did when we were children, but it can also allow us a modicum of detachment when difficulties face us. Practice your mindful habits, try to remove judgement from the situation. Try to experience it for what it is. Try to find interesting, positive aspects to the situation. What can you learn from it? How can you turn this obstacle or difficulty into a positive?
With a knowledge of impermanence, we can embrace moments of joy like a gift, and if they are painful, we can find strength to persevere.
There isn’t any real trick to embracing or accepting permanence. It is simply a position you need to reflect on from time to time. It can be painful and upsetting to dwell on this subject, which is why many of us push it to the periphery. But this can end up being a harmful tactic.
Denial about impermanence is what leads many people into crisis situations. Mid-life crises being the classic example. By not learning to accept the impermanence of life, by sweeping it under the carpet, we run the risk of burning away our time. And then one day, we may wake up and be suddenly aware that time has passed, and indeed, certain opportunities have gone.
If we are parents, we may find that our children are suddenly adults. If we are at university, we may find that suddenly those years are at an end. If we are in a happy relationship, we may find that suddenly things have changed, or that a loved one has died without us having truly appreciated their presence whilst we could. We may find we have missed the boat on career prospects or ambitions we wanted to achieve. All this because we found the idea of impermanence too uncomfortable to stare full on in the face.
With a mindful, calm approach, we may gain insight by considering or meditating on impermanence. Just for a few moments here and there. When things are quiet, when waters are still, we may see our reflection upon the surface of the lake. Self reflection is key.
Mindfulness and emotional resilience
Life is always full of twists and turns. The world is a maelstrom of forces, the overwhelming majority of which are out of our control. The mariner unfurls her sails and sets her course, but she has no control over the weather, nor the great swells and prevailing currents of the wide ocean. So too, we may make plans, both trivial and long-term, and find that disappointment awaits us around the next corner.
How we handle setbacks, failures, tragedies and downturns in our fortunes depends upon many factors, but we can equip ourselves with the best possible chance for emotional resilience in the ways in which we integrate mindfulness into our daily lives.
If we allow mindfulness and its associated philosophies to sink deeply into our core, then our outlook on life may change in positive ways, and we may achieve greater strength to bounce back from adversity or accept life’s ups and downs with grace and emotional calmness.
How we deal with life’s fortunes hinges largely on our emotional and philosophical disposition. A non-mindful person may happen upon a great inheritance that could solve all his financial problems. And for a little while, he may feel happy and positive. But before long, he will likely revert to his former outlook on life. He may find ways to become stressed, or anxious, or to be pessimistic, because this is his natural neurological predisposition, and without conscious self-reflection or self-directed changes in thinking, no external circumstance is going to make a significant difference.
A mindful person, on the other hand, is in a state of continual self-development, learning new and positive ways to think and be. They may experience great misfortune in life, such as losing a leg to injury. And at first, they may feel depressed, shocked or devastated. But in time, their mindful acceptance of unfortunate events will help to give them resilience, and to find positives in any situation. Before long, they may have found ways to bounce back and be grateful for all the good things in their life.
By keeping a mindfulness journal, by stepping back from negative thoughts, by breathing through difficulties, by noticing things in the moment, by returning our focus into the now, rather than focusing our attention on upcoming events, by learning to recognise emotions as they unfold and experience them with a form of calm detachment, we may learn to face challenges with a clear mind and an open heart.
Maintaining an open heart is essential to leaving ourselves receptive to the possibility of new and joyous experiences. Opportunities for new relationships, new adventures, and new avenues of learning are everywhere. If we learn how to mindfully manage our emotions we may find that we naturally let down our guard and allow more joy into our lives. We may express our affection and love and laughter more freely. Our relationships and friendships may vastly improve.
We may find that we see with new eyes, and feel with a new immediacy and authenticity. Very often, because we haven’t learned to manage our emotions, we protect ourselves from hurtful situations, and by doing that we insulate our experience of the world, as if with cotton wool. We dampen our interface, and thus our interactions are also dampened.
Conclusion
Practising mindfulness can wash away the cynicism we build up throughout life, from all the setbacks and emotional hurt. We can rediscover an innocence of feeling, knowing that we have the tools to handle what comes to us, without the need to constantly shield ourselves.
Like the graceful, defensive martial art of Tai Chi, mindfulness allows us to bend like the willow in the face of adversity, absorbing the blows that are dealt our way and reshaping their negative momentum into a positive force.
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