Do you ever struggle with low self-esteem? Do you experience unhappiness and anxiety from feeling like you’re not enough? Would you like to know how you can change all that? Then read on…
“The single most powerful way to build confidence is to act with the confidence you aspire to have.”
First, understand this: it’s okay to be different. Experiencing the world differently from others doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. You might not realise it yet, but you have the inner strength you need to celebrate this uniqueness and even revel in it. All it takes is a little work in the right areas.
After all, you are the proud owner of a sentient mind—one of the most precious, beautiful, and complex creations in the known universe. Inert matter brought together to live. And in such a way that it achieves the sparkling feat of conscious. To be able to experience music, or ice-cream, or to write poetry, or identify exotic beetles, or create an instrument to observe the faint photons from a long-dead star. That is astounding. It’s borderline magic.
With that in mind, you should never be made to feel inferior or unworthy. The very notion is absurd. All you should ever feel is different. We can express this with the following equation:
different != bad
When you consider the rarity and value of that sapient jewel inside your cranium, you can feel rightly special. If you like, you could live out the rest of your days following whichever intellectual, creative or physical pursuits make you happy—in the knowledge that, just by being sentient, you have already achieved the pinnacle of material existence. You are an intelligent, self-aware part of the universe. Just let that sink in for a moment. By comparison, all other metrics of success are an illusion.
But I understand. That’s all metaphysics, right? What about day-to-day living? What about colleges and peers and family and relationships? Co-existing in a world of fellow minds means that, sometimes, the opaque and mysterious rules that govern our place inside groups or communities results in us feeling inferior. We get jostled to one side, pushed to the edge of the throng. We can feel excluded or out of the loop.
But it doesn’t have to be like that. There is a place in this world where you will feel happy, and fulfilled, and appreciated. It might be halfway around the globe, or it may be just across town. Or it might even be right where you are—and all that is needed is for you to press outward, to mould a space to fit who you truly are. You can do that, you know.
It’s okay to be obstinate. To stubbornly refuse to alter your own shape to fit other people’s expectations. To instead, through persistent and subtle determination, chip away at the world, like a sculptor, calving a niche. Self-esteem is knowing you have the right to ask the world to accommodate you for who you are. You can achieve this.
You have the inner strength you need.
You are potent. You have agency. Don’t lend others the power to pull you down. Don’t let anyone convince you that you’re broken. Other people’s words are very powerful. They can be persuasive. They can slice through your guard and catch you unprepared. But if they’re making you feel worthless, those words are plain wrong.
Sticks and stones may brake your bones but words can hurt forever—if you let them. So if words affect you more than most, beg, borrow and steal ways to reject the criticism and the judgements. Abstain from taking them to heart. Whatever way works. But it needs to be done.
Start by simply being aware you’re doing it—the next time you are stung by people’s words, tell yourself: they’re wrong. You disagree. If you catch yourself repeating their words, say to yourself “I am experiencing self-critical thoughts.” Noticing is the first step, and sometimes this is enough to nip it in the bud.
Remember, most people are too wrapped up in their own stories to be any kind of authority on yours. You are the expert on your life. You know it’s story better than anyone else.
When you look to others and envy their achievements, remind yourself: success isn’t about being a multi-millionaire or owning yachts and fast cars. It isn’t about accolades or prestige or awards, or about being the centre of attention, or being the most popular, or having adoring fans. It’s about carving out a life that allows you to be purposefully happy, whatever that looks like for you. Your skills and passions are all the flames you need to fuel your success.
So what is your passion? Maybe you are great with plants or have an imaginative way with words. Maybe clog-dancing makes your heart soar. Embrace your quirks! Don’t be embarrassed or scared about what you love. If it’s who you are, own it. Explore it. Let it take you on a journey of self-discovery.
Let your passions help you seek out friendship, partnership, those who see the world as you do. And seek love, in all its forms. These are the true bounties in life.
Just promise me this, quit comparing yourself to others. It’s the quickest way to kill any passion and make you second guess why you’re doing the things you’re doing. Yes, it’s hard, but the sooner you stop, the happier you’ll be.
Here’s a piece of advice you might not want to hear: you’ll almost certainly never be the best. If you dedicate your life to becoming the world’s best clog-dancer, it won’t last. Someone else will always be ready to take your crown. To make even bigger sacrifices. To raise the stakes by eliminating all other distractions or pursuits or relationships, just to be the best. The reality of such lives can often be hollow. So do what you love for the joy it brings you, not for the glory. And if glory comes your way anyway, so much the better.
External validation is a mug’s game. The casino always wins. If you instead embrace the path toward inner validation—to learn to love who you are—to even (whisper it) choose to find confidence within yourself, then you will achieve that self-esteem you lack.
People who achieve inner validation shine differently to those who seek it from without.
If you care too much about what others think, you become a slave to their opinions. That’s a full-time job with zero satisfaction because it’s a simple fact: that you’ll never please everyone. But you can please yourself.
You have the inner strength you need.
So switch off that social media feed, take a time out, and learn to listen to your own voice. Take your heart’s desires seriously. Experience stillness. Quiet your racing inner dialogue. Turn down the volume on intrusive thoughts, stressful ideas, and needless worries. Focus on something slower, quieter. Become a calm lake on a windless day, even just for a while, and experience a different kind of being.
If the world seems uncaring, look for peace within, not without. Embrace the natural world. Go out and immerse yourself in nature. Balance the cacophonous world of humans with the organic world of the wild. Let your feelings seep into the earth like roots. They are delicate, but they will always find water. Breathe softly and slowly. Enjoy the physicality of your body. Be present. Observe. Notice the little details, and insights will reveal themselves to you.
The lake is beautiful. You are beautiful—from the exquisite chains of DNA in each of your countless cells all the way up, to the bristling thoughts your mind brings to the world.
So don’t believe those perfect lives you see online. They aren’t real. Scrolling through images of happy, smiling people won’t make you feel happy. Listen to that quiet voice that says “switch off.” Easy, right? No, but find hacks. Trade your smartphone for a simpler phone. Or get rid of half your household screens.
And then? Then you make the decision. Decide to try out self-esteem. Even if you are faking it. Just try it on, like a new coat. Walk down the street, thinking “if they are allowed it, so am I.” Or better yet “I’m awesome!”
Sometimes, what makes us feel bad isn’t hurtful words or deeds, it is other people’s self-esteem. It is the way they so effortlessly walk into a room, confident that other’s will listen to what they have to say. It is the way they hold themselves. It is their laughter and their easy manner around others that tells you they belong—and the little voice in your mind says “but I don’t”.
So maybe it isn’t always the words of others that causes us so much pain, but the words of ourselves. Maybe it is we who put ourselves down. Maybe it is our inner dialogue, impersonating the voice of our peers, convincing us that we don’t deserve.
But this voice needs to be challenged. Those confident people you see don’t have that voice in their heads. At least not to the same extent. In the corner of their ring, they have a coach that builds them up, not a coach that tells you to throw in the towel. If that sounds familiar, then you need to change your coach.
It’s possible to halt that voice. It’s possible to retrain it or replace it with another. It takes work, but it is possible. I’ll be willing to bet that that inner voice uses the same few stock phrases. Phrases that can be tinkered with. ‘Don’ts’ transformed to ‘dos’. ‘Can’ts’ turned into ‘cans’.
So the next time you doubt yourself, the next time you give weight to the voice that knocks you down, remember this:
You have the inner strength you need…
…to build, piece-by-piece, inch-by-inch, a coat of glorious, impervious, brocade self-esteem.
Because, in your own unique way, you are awesome.
Practical Exercise: Overcoming Low Self-Esteem
Objective: To help you recognize and celebrate your unique strengths, build self-esteem, and cultivate inner confidence.
Step 1: Daily Affirmations
Start Your Day Right:
Intellectually, you can see that you are an amazing being. Now you have to believe it with your feelings. To do that we need a little conditioning. Each morning, look in the mirror and repeat the following affirmations:
“I am unique and valuable.”
“I have the inner strength I need.”
“I deserve to be happy and fulfilled.”
Write these affirmations on sticky notes, if you need to, and place them where you can see them throughout the day. Write them in code if you are embarrassed about others seeing them, or use a symbol that evokes the same thoughts.
Step 2: Gratitude Journal
Reflect on Positives:
Keep a journal where you write down three things you are grateful for each day. These can be small moments, achievements, or qualities you appreciate in yourself.
Reflect on how these positive aspects contribute to your sense of self-worth.
It’s surprising how effective journal-keeping can be for organizing your thoughts and making breakthroughs that you can refer back to. Trying to do everything in our heads can often leave us going round in circles.
Step 3: Mindfulness and Meditation
Quiet Your Mind:
Set aside 10 minutes each day for mindfulness or meditation. Find a quiet place, sit comfortably, and focus on your breathing.
Imagine yourself as a calm lake, with your thoughts and worries slowly settling at the bottom, leaving the surface smooth and serene.
Embrace the stillness and remind yourself of your intrinsic value.
Mindfulness—or just a slower pace of being once in a while—can be so beneficial to helping us break the cycles of negative thoughts and habits that chip away at our self-esteem. It can literally rewire our thought patterns in positive ways.
Step 4: Identify Your Passions
Explore What Makes You Happy:
Make a list of activities that bring you joy and fulfilment. These can be hobbies, interests, or skills.
Dedicate time each week to engage in one of these activities. Allow yourself to fully immerse and enjoy the experience without judgment.
Without a true passion, it is hard to rebuild positivity and enthusiasm after knock-backs in life. If there are things we look forward to, things that make our heart sing, we can begin to use that positivity to build self-esteem.
Step 5: Positive Self-Talk
Challenge Negative Thoughts:
When you catch yourself having self-critical thoughts, pause and reframe them. For example:
Identify the process by saying “I am experiencing self-critical thoughts.” Using this passive tense allows us to place the thoughts in their appropriate frame.
Then rephrase the content of the critical thoughts. Instead of “I can’t do this,” say, “I am capable and can learn to do this.”
Replace “I’m not good enough” with “I am enough just as I am.”
Practice this reframing consistently to build a habit of positive self-talk.
Step 6: Seek Supportive Connections
Build a Support Network:
Reach out to friends, family, or join groups where you feel accepted and appreciated.
Share your feelings and experiences with them. Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you.
Ultimately, positive relationships and social groups will help to support and bolster your self-esteem. If you find yourself in groups that do not appreciate, respect or support you, then you must begin to consider healthier alternatives.
Step 7: Limit Social Media
Reduce Comparison:
Limit your time on social media, especially if it leads to negative comparisons.
Follow accounts that promote positivity and self-acceptance. Unfollow or mute those that make you feel inadequate.
We all do it, but comparing doesn’t generally bring happiness long-term. In fact, quite the opposite. If you didn’t know how you “measure up” compared to others, then you could simply enjoy getting on with your life, blissfully ignorant of an illegitimate and unnecessary metric.
Step 8: Set Personal Boundaries
Protect Your Energy:
Learn to say no to situations or people that drain your energy or make you feel bad about yourself.
Respect your own needs and prioritize your well-being.
Making sure you don’t spread yourself too thinly can be essential for having enough reserves to handle what comes your way with self-assurance. Being over-stretched, stressed or exhausted will deplete your ability to cope, and it will magnify your emotional response.
Step 9: Physical Activity
Embrace Your Body:
Engage in regular physical activity that you enjoy. It could be walking, dancing, yoga, or any form of exercise.
Appreciate your body for what it can do and treat it with kindness.
Exercise, in whatever form you can do, will not only release hormones that make you feel good about yourself, but it will reduce anxiety and negative thought patterns. Over the long-term, being generally fitter will also make you feel more positive about life. But enjoy the process, don’t schedule unrealistic fitness regimes that are impossible to stick to!
Step 10: Reflect on Your Progress
Review and Celebrate:
At the end of each week, take time to reflect on your progress. Write down any positive changes you’ve noticed in your self-esteem and confidence.
Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small they may seem.
By incorporating these steps into your daily routine, you can gradually build a strong foundation of self-esteem and inner confidence. Remember, you have the inner strength you need to overcome low self-esteem and embrace your unique awesomeness.
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