The more you judge, the worse you feel. Research shows that developing a non-judgemental attitude significantly improves our happiness and general well-being.
We’ve all done it. At one point or another, we’ve all observed someone’s behaviour and cast judgement over them. We’ve all been irritated by something someone has said or done. Everywhere we go, there are opportunities to cast judgement. In many ways, it may seem impossible not to, since our inner dialogue often commentates on whatever it sees.
When we see unsocial behaviour, or rudeness, or when people are just plain wrong, we can often find ourselves having internal arguments with the perpetrators, long after the incident.
The other day, I walked past the shared garden of some low-rise flats. Behind the fence, someone was blaring music at full volume. I imagining how annoyed I’d be if I lived next in those flats. For the next five minutes I became stuck in an imagined argument. And then I caught myself. “What am I doing?!” I thought. “I am ruining a perfectly good walk!“
What I was doing, as my dad might have put it, was borrowing trouble. It’s so easy to fall into the compulsion to judge other people. And it’s only a small step to turning that judgemental voice onto ourselves.
Who hasn’t felt their inner voice berate themselves from time to time? Very often, we are our harshest critics. And we don’t hold back either. It reminds of the constantly jeering muppets Statler and Waldorf, who snipe from the sidelines. Having an inner voice hollering at you like this can lead to unhappiness, lack of confidence and self-esteem issues. If we could reduce this inner critic, then perhaps we might be happier for it.
Research published in PLOS ONE shows that developing a non-judgmental attitude toward our inner experiences increases our happiness levels.
I’ve always had a habit of being hyper critical of my own efforts. So, for the past few months, I’ve been working on actively dialling down my inner judge. This is actually one of the core tenets of mindfulness. The aim isn’t to silence our inner critic completely (it’s certainly useful to be discerning), merely to gain some control over it, and to repurpose it away from the kind of toxicity that brings unhappiness.
So how did I do this? Well, here are a few techniques I tried that help:
Step 1: Noticing you’re doing it
The first step to gaining control over the internal critic is to become aware that you’re doing it. Very often, we become absorbed in the fabric of our thoughts. But learning how to take a step back and observe thoughts “as just thoughts” is a great starting point to breaking free of their spell.
Step 2: Labelling your thoughts
When you notice you’re having judgemental or critical thoughts, break the cycle before it gets momentum by simply saying to yourself “I’m experiencing judgemental thoughts.” This trick helps with all manner of negative thinking, and I find it useful to nip negative cycles in the bud.
Step 3: Breath, and let them float away
Thoughts come and go, like balloons or dandelion seeds. When one floats past our awareness, we can choose to grab hold of it and obsess on it, or we can calmly allow it to drift on past our field of view and into the distance.
Step 4: Return our awareness onto our surroundings
Once we have identified the judgemental thoughts, and have allowed them to float past us, we can reinforce this by actively returning our awareness onto the present, and our surrounding environment. By doing this, we can prevent ourselves from getting trapped in some negative train of thought. So observe your surroundings, notice sights, smells, sounds, sensations. And take some calming breaths for good measure!
The results:
I’ve been trying this method for some weeks now and, so far, the results are promising. It can be hard to let go of your knee-jerk judgements, but the more you practice, the more tolerant you get. And, yes, the happier I’ve been feeling. I’m not taking on as many unnecessary burdens any more. More importantly, I’ve noticed a significant drop in self-judgement too.
Get in touch:
Try it yourself and let me know how it goes? Does it work? Is it easy or hard? I’d love to hear your experiences.
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